Building Your Village
Lately I’ve seen a few social media videos about the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” The “joke” is that the person doesn’t know where to find their village and asking, “does it just show up?” Unfortunately, it takes effort to build a village to help you raise a child.
Before I get into the “how” to build a village, I want to explain “why.” Humans are social animals. Our species has survived because we work with one another. We depend on one another to make progress. Up until a few decades ago, most humans lived in small nuclear communities with their families. This allowed children to be cared for by not only their parents but also extended family and community members. More recently, our society has advanced in many positive ways, but the small nuclear communities are disappearing. There are fewer intergenerational households, fewer close-knit communities. Parents often move away from their families for work.
This change in societal structure is fine, BUT we have to work harder to create our own village. We have to make an effort to find support as parents.
Parent with No Village
Towards the beginning of my counseling career, I worked as a play therapist primarily working with children with anxiety and behavioral concerns. I once worked with a young child and single mother. According to the mother, her child was unfocused, high energy, and did not listen to directions from her. But the child did well at school. Because the behavior was not at school, I asked the mother more questions.
Through my discussion with the mother, it became clear that she was struggling as a parent. The child was exhibiting a normal level of energy for a young child - albeit on the higher end of the range of normalcy. But she was struggling. She had no support. The father was not present and neither were the paternal grandparents. The mother did not grow up in Cincinnati, Ohio so she did not have social support beyond one or two coworkers. Her own parents were in Florida.
I spoke to the mother about finding ways to get help raising her child. Because of financial constraints, the mother could not afford babysitting outside of what the daycare already provided. We both agreed that she needed to move closer to her parents so she could have more help.
How to Build a Village
Grandparents are not the only way to have a village to help you raise your child. You can get creative. I know a person who hires a babysitter on weekends, when both parents are home, just so the parents get chores done while the babysitter occupies the children. Babysitters do not just have to be for when you leave the house! And “villagers” do not have to directly interact with the children. They are anyone that can help you, your child, or your household.
Village Ideas
Neighbors - find your neighborhood Facebook group and ask for help
Dog walker
“Mommy Helper” - younger child that can interact with your children while you work at home
House cleaner
Friends
Coworkers
Family members
Members of your place of worship
Grocery delivery
Lawn care
A parent peer - parent that has similarly aged children, works similar hours, etc.
Babysitter
Daycare and/or school
I recognize that a lot these suggestions have a cost. Sometimes we can get creative though:
Ask a friend with kids to trade off babysitting
Be inspired by the Bluey episode, “Stumpfest,” and invite friends over to help with a big task and let the kids play together
“Body double” with a friend for chores at each other’s houses
Golden Rule: Give to others how you want to be given
Drop off dinner to a neighbor
Offer to watch a neighbor’s pet while they’re out of town for free
Drive a teammate to and from soccer practice
How to Meet New Villagers
One of my favorite parenting influencers, Susie Allison of The Busy Toddler, describes one of the best way to meet neighbors. Play in the front yard. Grab some sidewalk chalk, bubbles, and a ball and wait for neighborhood children to gravitate to you and your kids.
Offer to help. This goes back up to the Golden Rule. If you see a need in your neighborhood, religious community, child’s school, etc. give in ways that you can.
Find interest groups. A villager does not have to directly help you or your children to make a big difference. Connecting to others with similar interests can help our mental and emotional health. By having conversations that do not focus on jobs, children, family, etc. improves our mood and well-being. Think about your interests outside your family (I know, this is hard!), and look for groups. Some ideas:
Music
Community orchestra
Community choir
Join a local band looking for a drummer - or become that band’s groupie
Art
Pottery classes
Fiber arts classes
Political Action
Search for your local political club and get involved
Athletics
Sports leagues
Yoga classes
Learning
Check out what courses or classes your library offers for free
Nature
Hiking clubs
Birding groups
Gardening clubs
Asking for Help
One of the hardest parts about building a village is actually reaching out and asking for help. Vulnerability is hard. We live in a society that encourages independence and doing things for yourself. But know that being vulnerable is brave. If you’re unfamiliar with Brené Brown, I highly recommend her Ted Talk on vulnerability. Watch it. Then reach out to someone for help.
Trusting Others with Your Child
This is also hard for some parents, especially anxious parents. One way to let go and allow another person to care for your child is to think if you trust the other person to keep your child (1) alive and (2) safe. If a person can keep your child alive and safe, they can watch your child. If you’re still anxious about it, start small. Start by leaving your child with someone else for an hour or less, then gradually build up to more time away.
Building a village is hard, but necessary. If you find yourself struggling to be the best parent you want to be for your child, assess what supports you have. Think about how you can add extra support and who can be a part of your village.
